3rd Leaders' Debate III

21.52 - Dave had "a big argument with someone on the street about special schools the other day". He reckons he's in favour of them, but I'm not buying that. They're all trying to demonstrate their "passion" for education. Except Gordon, of course, who's pathologically incapable of displaying passion for anything other than tax credits, so opts simply to state it: "I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT SCHOOLS".

21.57 - Final statements. Dave "loves this country" and wants to back "values", "work" and "safety". So far, so Tory. There's "something we need to know" about him, though. He once met a black man!

22.00 - Gordon suggests that the Libs will ally with the Tories again. That'll be the line, I suppose. Clegg says the usual, pretty well, though.

This is extremely tough to call. They all did okay, there were no clear winners and noone dropped any clangers, though Clegg did take a horrible kicking on immigration. Cameron probably shaded it, I'd say. 1. Cameron, 2. Clegg, 3. Brown, I reckon. It's very marginal, though, so who the hell knows (my soothsaying confidence took a beating after calling it wrong last week). Let's see.

3rd Leaders' Debate II

9.00 - Brown comes out for the Tobin Tax, interestingly (assuming he can get the rest of the world on side, internationalist that he is).

9.01 - Dave talks about "Fred the Shred" and it's 2008. Clegg's flying here. He's talking complete bollocks, of course, but he's doing so with style. He's just good at this, simple as that.

9.03 - Dave goes after Wonderboy for his support for joining the Euro. Clegg shrugs it off pretty well, but he's on dangerous ground in this country, with it's wide-spread Euroscepticism.

9.07 - The questioner wants us to go back to the 19th Century and "make things" again. "We can't all work in shops and offices." Why the hell not? Clegg is "proud of Sheffield's industrial heritage", somewhat nauseatingly.

9.09 - Dave manages to remember the questioner's name. Yet another play from the yellow handbook. Do him and Gordon even have their own tactics?

9.10 - There's been a surprising lack of sweating in these debates thus far, but Clegg is doing his level best to address that. Maybe it's the lights.

9.12 - Dave says that "Gordon doesn't seem to know the difference between the Government and the economy". He's said it twice now. I think there's something in that, but that's just me. They're all pointing to green jobs as the future of the British economy.

21.17 - We're off the economy and Dimbleby plugs everything the BBC plans to do over the next 40 years.

21.18 - We're on to immigration, though, sadly. Think I'll put the kettle on.

21.19 - Dave sounds unbelievably posh when he says "roll" (as in "we need to control immigration"). Really surprised his advisors haven't stamped that one out.

21.21 - Dimbleby repeats and refocuses the audience's questions, as per Adam Boulton last week. Good stuff.

21.23 - Dave brings up the Lib Dems' immigration amnesty, which is Clegg's single weakest point. He does good work, though, by pointing out the dishonesty in pretending that immigration is a simple, easily solved issue. Gordon "agrees with Cameron", unsurprisingly. He bashes Clegg from the other side and it's assassination. It's still going on. I want none of this.

21.30 - Mercifully, we're off immigration. Housing next. Who's going to promise me one? All of them. Terrific!

21.33 - The Beeb has a funky purple graphic behind the leaders, which riffs nicely off Gordon's tie. Policy is for other people.

21.36 - Benefit abuse. I live in the wrong country, I really do. Nick Clegg "believes in work", courageously.

21.38 - Brown's policy is "no life on the dole". Lovely stuff. He "believes in work too". Who the hell would'a thunk it?

21.46 - Education and opportunities for poor kids. Gordon answers strongly on social mobility. Dave praises teachers. Yuk. The Conservatives seem to have only noticed poverty in the last few weeks, but still have the audacity to lecture Labour on it. Ridiculous.

3rd Leaders' Debate

The third and final debate. It's on the economy and it kicks off at 8.30. Let's be havin' ya.

Incidentally, I just heard Jon Snow saying how the debates have sucked the life out of ordinary campaigning. He's right, I suppose. The debates have utterly overshadowed the usual electioneering shenanigans. I'll write up my thoughts about this whole debating thang shortly.

Right, here we go.

8.33 - Dave witters on about being "stuck in a rut", or somesuch. He means the economy, of course, not the Conservative Party.

8.34 - Clegg is in the middle again. That's a surprise. Why would the others let him have that for free? Have they learnt nothing about underestimating the yellow surge?

8.35 - Gordon faces his demons by saying "as you saw yesterday, I don't get it all right". You can teach humility, then.

8.36 - If there was ever a debate topic for Gordon, though, it's this one. He simply must win this one. Behind in every poll, he needs a "game-changer", apparently.

8.38 - Dimbleby (for it is he, of course) has a deeply wacky floral tie. The candidates have stuck with the slightly weird party colour scheme, for some reason. Maybe it's one of the fabled 76 debate rules.

8.41 - Almost unbelievably, Dave mentions Mothercare again. That's all three debates. Great PR for them. Utterly whorish from Cameron (what the hell was I expecting?).

8.42 - Gordon "smiles" and my housemates cringe as one.

8.44 - Gordon and Dave are in PMQs mode. They're crossing swords with abandon, which always goes down badly with the public.

8.45 - This one's in the Great Hall at the University of Birmingham. It's gorgeous. No debates in London, eh? It does have the dubious honour of playing host to these guys for the next 4-5 years, I suppose, so fair's fair.

8.47 - Audience question on the need to cut tax. Dave should be at home here, except that this is no time for anyone to be cutting taxes. Clegg remembers the questioner's name and is rewarded with an earnest "listening" look. He goes for the bankers, as always, which goes down pretty well.

8.50 - Gordon rather pointedly says that he would "never go into alliance with the Conservatives" (not that he'd be asked), which is an indirect kick at Clegg.

8.52 - Gordon and Clegg are both giving Dave a kicking for wanting to cut inheritance tax. Dave calls it "desperate stuff".

8.54 - Clegg pulls out his old "look at these two!" line. He makes his pre-planned, scripted attacks so much better than the other two.

8.58 - Dave says that he "agree's with Mr Obama's plan" for dealing with naughty bankers. Cracking bit of name dropping there.

2nd Leaders' Debate II

8.27 - Clegg gets a breather as we move on to climate change - where he should be strong. Sadly, though, he opts to make a slightly rubbish point about the need to tax air travel. Gordon goes for renewables and Dave picks the 3rd runway at Heathrow. Choose your weapon/hobbyhorse.

8.30 - Gordon Brown is terribly advised. Just drop the forced smiling. It ain't you. He also calls Clegg "anti-American", interestingly. Not sure what he's referring to, but he must have a point to make, as he's said it twice now. Dave gets "anti-European", for his part.

8.37 - Spicy question on whether the parties should distance themselves from the Pope in the light of his fruity views on homosexuality, AIDs, sex scandals in the church and pretty much everything else. None of them are up for it, obviously, despite opposing his views. We're all bathing in the warm water of British tolerance.

8.44 - Clegg must be elated to be asked about his plan to restore faith in politics. What the hell has that got to do with foreign affairs, though? Gordon basically begs the audience to vote for someone, anyone (him). Dave wants to cut the cost of politics, which we heard last week. He also mentions open primaries, which the Tories have taken the lead on (I think). Clegg strongly suggests that we all "get stuck in" in this election. It's almost as if low turnouts favour the Tories...

8.51 - My housemate puts me out of my misery by explaining that we've moved onto general issues and away from foreign affairs, which explains a lot.

8.52 - Dave tries to prevent Clegg from "getting on a pedestal" about expenses. Clegg concedes that he's "no angel". Ouch.

8.54 - An OAP asks whether the leaders think that £59 is a fair weekly pension. None of them think it's enough. Gordon points out that the questioner isn't getting all her entitlements, to use an Americanism, which is so like him ("the money is there if you can only navigate my labyrinth!"). Dave does pretty well by explaining exactly how he plans (to afford) to raise the figure. They're all doing their best "earnest" faces. This is much closer than last week.

9.05 - Is coalition government the way forward? Good question. Dave nods to bipartisanship, obviously, but also warns of the terrible dangers of a hung Parliament. You thought Dave liked bipartisanship? Clegg loves bipartisanship. He also declares that "we need a Committee for Financial Stability". Gordon points out that we already have one, actually. Doh.

9.08 - Adam Boulton is moderating pretty well. He seems more relaxed than ITV's man last week, who actually shouted the leaders' names to get them to yield the floor to each other. Boulton's also re-phrasing the questions that they fail to answer. Excellent work.

21.11 - Dave mentions Mothercare again. You don't think he's chasing the Soccer Mom vote, do you? Shameless. We're on the banking system. Clegg's bashing away, as he likes to do. Dave tries to joke with the audience about the now fabled "other two" bickering. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I suppose, so Clegg should feel pretty good right now.

21.15 - Immigration, which could be another banana skin for Clegg. His immigration "amnesty" might be eminently sensible, but will not play well with the public, sadly. Gordon instantly mentions it and I'm basically a genius. Clegg, bravely, wants to target the criminal gangs that prey on illegal immigrants, rather than the aliens themselves. I agree with him and wish the rest of the country did too, but I reckon he could founder upon this here rock. Gordon throws away any (remote) chance he had of me voting for him by saying that he's "deeply concerned" about "Nick's" policy. To hell with him and his cowardly politics.

9.26 - Closing statements and Gordon says "the buck stops here. If I'm in the job, you're in". Seriously, what does that even mean? Gordon says that Dave's a "threat to the economy" and Clegg's a "threat to our security". The cameraman's a Tory, because we're zooming in (uncomfortably closely) on Dave's face. Stop it. Don't nobody need to see that. Clegg's closing is better than last week, but I think he's (narrowly) lost tonight. I score it 1. Cameron 2. Brown and 3. Clegg. I don't think it's been overwhelming, but might this be the end of the yellow surge?

2nd Leaders' Debate

Here we go again. This one's on foreign affairs.

8.02 - Gordon actually says "like me or not, but I know how to do the job".

8.03 - All three are doing what Clegg did to good effect in the first debate - looking directly (spookily?) into the camera. Clegg's in the middle this time, which is a nice place to be and looks terribly prime ministerial.

8.05 - The most Bristolian man in the world (the debate is in Bristol, to be fair) says he "can't see the point in being in Europe". Noone show him a map. Dave (I simply can't bear to call him Cam anymore), quite boldly, comes out as wanting to stay in the Union. The other two sing the same tune ("it's flawed, but we basically need it").

8.09 - Dave wins the hotly contested nicest tie competition.

8.10 - Gordon's giving Dave a kicking for his party's eccentricity on the subject. Dave replies, calling Gordon and Clegg "the other two", which was one of Clegg's most frequent refrains in the first debate. There's been some frantic coaching before this one.

8.14 - Gordon's at the old "the other two are squabbling like children" now. Shameless robbery of Clegg, but I suppose it was to be expected.

8.24 - Dave takes us into Trident territory. This could be rough for Clegg. Gordon directly advises Nick to "get real". Dave shocks himself by saying that he "agrees with Gordon". Doubleteam.

8.15 - The 2nd most Bristolian man in the world asks if the UK would go into another war along the same lines as the one in Afghanistan. They're all in a slightly difficult position, having voted for the Afghan War, but there are plenty of criticisms to safely make, which they all duly do.

8.18 - The inevitable troops love-in is just around the corner, I just know it. I feel pre-nauseous.

8.20 - I've been wondering whether Clegg will stick to Lib Dem policy on Trident, amongst other things, or whether he'll try to hide behind the "outsider" persona. He's not dodging the issues, though, to be fair to him.

8.21 - They're all on about their various photo ops in Afghanistan and their admiration for "our boys" out there and I want to shoot myself, I really do.

Just Add Hot Water

To this beauty.

As Predicted

Sadly.

The Leaders' Debate III

21.45 - My speech therapist housemate points out that the weird, goldfish-like mouth movements Gordon makes are in response to a speech impediment. He's doing pretty well against some fairly significant natural disadvantages, in fairness.

21.47 - Clegg says that "this is a phoney debate". You said it, mate. He's clearly winning, though. Cam looks decent too. Gordon hasn't done awfully, but he probably needed to do better than that. I reckon Cam just needs to play it safe and not drop the ball in order to win. Maybe the Libs (with a hung Parliament) are the biggest threat to him now? I wonder if he'll start aiming for them in the weeks ahead?

21.52 - Final question is on care for the elderly. Clegg suggests that "all the parties get together on this one", meaninglessly. Gordon's using his caring voice. Eww! He should take this one though. He can make spending promises with the best of them. Cameron does disappointingly well by lionising carers. Clegg's forced to join the eulogy. They're all being terribly serious.

22.01 - In closing, Clegg goes back to his old vs new politics shtick. My old buddy change gets his tummy tickled too. Brown goes economic, obviously. He also tries to make a joke, with predictably cringe-worthy results. Cameron will personally be behind you in your business. Scary!

In conclusion, as they all press the flesh, it looked like 1. Clegg 2. Cameron 3. Brown to me. No one dropped any major clangers. Great night for the Libs, but to what end?

The Leaders' Debate II

8.58 - Audience question about expenses. Cam calls it a "horrendous episode". Gordon was "shocked and sickened", apparently. You didn't expect anything else, did you? Cam suggests "cutting the size of politics", which may go down fairly well, I imagine.

21.02 - Clegg knows he's on the firmest ground here, as he's being making noises about political reform for a long time. Cam basically has nothing here, but does make the point that Labour have had 13 years to make reforms if they wanted them.

21.05 - Cam wants to pick "Nick" up on what he's said, because there's "a slight danger of a holier than though attitude". To be fair, it is good to see the Libs get a grilling for once, much as they might have the best lines on this.

21.07 Cam makes a repulsive "whoops" face when Clegg doesn't answer a question about some old financial scandal. He didn't even hear it, to be fair to him.

21.09 - Schools. Some posho asks what they'll do to "improve education". So general, so easy to answer. Poor question. He was a kid, though, to be fair. I'm in a fair mood tonight.

21.11 - Cam (so sorry to be calling him that - it's just quick to type) harps on about cutting bureaucracy and quangos, not for the first time. He also mentions discipline, ffs. C'mon , where are these modern Tories I keep hearing about?

21.15 - Cam's just as smooth as ever. Clegg's actually doing pretty well. He appears pretty likeable anyway (whatever that's worth). Brown's smirking weirdly and basically having a bit of a shocker. My housemate reckons Brown's playing it tactically - being nice to Clegg and avoiding engaging with Cam. Wants the Liberals' support, you see.

21.20 - We're on to the economy. I'm surprised it took us this long, as this is supposed to be the biggest issue in this election. Campaign speeches ahoy!

21. 24 - Clegg's all about being "straight" with us, thankfully. The other two are obviously lying then. Clegg is pulling "oh, you two" faces at every opportunity. He's so different! Don't you believe it?

21.28 - Brown's forced smiles are even more embarrassing than his grimaces. He looks insane. He has a nice tie though. I notice such things. I'm not ashamed of it.

21.30 - Clegg keeps talking about "politicians" like they're other people. I do like him and he's doing quite well tonight, but I can't see how you can change the system from inside it (unless you're far enough inside it to, y'know, win).

21.32 - We have now arrived at Platitude Central - the armed forces. They're all fans. Who knew?

21.35 - Clegg keeps mentioning Sheffield (part of which is his constituency), weirdly. The others haven't referred to their constituencies. Maybe Cam is ashamed of Witney. Clegg clearly has no such feelings about his. It's in the North, you know. I might be reading too much into this.

21.39 - Ah, Trident renewal. Lonely ol' Clegg is the only one against it, sadly. Clegg's left hand is in his pocket. Nonchalant, or effected? I report, you decide. More importantly, is it effected, or affected? Fingers crossed.

21.43 - The NHS. Cam makes a massive deal about being a massive fan. This is the new Tories, I suppose. Lies, basically. Not to be cynical...

The Leaders' Debate

Hold on to your seats. Three charlatans are about to stage a press conference where they make speeches written by other people and read from an auto-cue. I'll try to contain my cynicism if you try to contain your excitement.

The first ever (in this country) leaders' debate is about to kick off. Let's blog.

8.34 - The stage looks utterly budget. Clegg has a ludicrously shiny tie. He speaks first. Something from his campaign speech about the "old politics" and the opportunity to usher in the new by voting for the Lib Dems.

8.35 - Gordon says that the only thing that matters is the economy and our need to avoid a "double-dip" recession.

8.36 - Cameron completes the opening speeches by reaching into his own campaign mantras. They're all emphasising the themes that suit them, obviously. Cameron said, um, something...

8.37 - Audience question about immigration.

8.39 - Cam thinks there's just "too much", unsurprisingly.

8.40 - They all make the argument that immigration is good ("we're in favour of darkies"), but that we need "tough, new" controls.

8.41 - Gordon claims immigration is actually falling.

8.42 - Cam calls the immigration system "out of control".

8.43 - Clegg sensibly mentions two popular areas of immigration: football and the NHS.

8.45 - First bit of sword-crossing from the leaders. This is going fast. Really having trouble keeping up with this. Gives me something to do other than listen to the debate, though, thankfully.

8.46 - Clegg suggests a regional immigration system, interestingly (sort of).

8.48 - On to crime. Who's got a magic bullet? Not the Gov, says Cam. He tells a "moving" story about a victim of crime. He sounds very, very old Tory on this.

8.49 - Nick Clegg in support for Police shock. He also reminds us that he's an MP. Who the hell didn't know that? People with actual votes? Christ.

8.51 - Ah, yes. Cam blames all our problems on drugs. So progressive.

8.52 - Clegg describes British prisons as "colleges of crime", which is a good line. Nice to hear a politician being even slightly critical of prisons.

8.54 - Clegg basically makes the same point again. Perhaps I'm being harsh here, but it looks like he had a mental blank.

8.55 - Gordon "humanises" himself with a lame and laboured joke about the Tories' election posters.